The Dad Lesson in The Adam Project
Understanding the psychology beneath the plot of this Ryan Reynolds film
At first glance ‘The Adam Project’ is an action-packed blockbuster about a fighter pilot who travels back in time and goes on a mission to save the world with his 12 year old self. While this is true, the story beneath the story is of a man who healed his inner child so he could find joy and happiness as an adult.
INTRO
Upon meeting each other, big Adam seems amazing to little Adam - a ripped fighter pilot! Nothing could be cooler right? We quickly discover that while big Adam looks great on the outside, he is angry and resentful on the inside (about dad).
While little Adam says “I miss him,” big Adam says “I missed him while he was here.” When little Adam asks about the future, big Adam responds with “nothing good happens…”
While the action-blockbuster answer for why things are dark is because of an evil madwoman, the psychological answer is that big Adam is carrying around 30 years of hurt about dad which projects as anger and resentment. The thing about anger is that it’s almost always a secondary or ‘cover-up’ emotion for pain and sadness.
SO WHAT HAPPENED
Back in the past, little Adam had just lost dad in a car accident and two things we true for him;
He thought he should be over it because mom was trying to act strong.
Dad worked a lot and little Adam felt like he didn’t matter to him as much as work. With dad’s sudden death, the unresolved feelings of missing him while he was alive got stuck in his nervous system.
This created two false beliefs related to the above perceptions;
Dad’s death is no big deal.
Dad doesn’t love me.
Though these are not inherently true, they are true for little Adam because during early stages of development (roughly 3-8) what a child picks up energetically is all there is (critical thinking comes later). There’s a beautiful exchange between mom and dad that expresses this perfectly:
Dad (Mark Ruffalo) asks, “how’s he gonna find his place in the world?” and mom (Jennifer Garner) responds so poignantly, “we’re his place in the world, he’s a kid.”
The feeling that a kid develops from mom and dad will be the belief system that runs his life as an adult. Not feeling loved, heard, or seen (even though they are loved and provided for) creates the belief known as “I am not worthy” (aka my thoughts/feelings/desires don’t matter). That is the gaping wound and root cause of symptoms such as anger and resentment (as in Adam’s case), but also include depression, addictions, perfectionism, and on the far end violence and self-harm.
This is the father wound.
INNER CHILD WORK
So how do we heal?
By utilizing what’s called “inner child work,” or “re-parenting the inner child.” The way it works is you go back to the moment or period of time when the child was wronged (or perceived they were wronged) and you fulfill the needs they had at that time, but weren’t met. For example; feeling seen, heard, and understood. You act as the parent to your inner child and basically perform a re-do. This will dislodge the trauma that got stuck there as a child and keeps manifesting as that anger or anxiety or whatever it is in adulthood.
The best way to start doing this is with a coach, therapist, or somatic healer but if those aren’t available to you, then you can start on your own by sitting still in meditation and locating your inner child (there are numerous resources online, try this one from honest guys).
It’s a long road, but the only way out is through and the most important thing for beginning this work is to simply admit there is hurt. That means dropping the “it’s no big deal” story and accepting that it is a big, huge, giant deal. It is the quality of your entire life, your relationships, your purpose, your heart, your peace, your everything.
FINDING RESOLUTION
The shift happens when little Adam says to big Adam, “I know why you hate him so much.” I think it’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, when I get older I forget there’s a difference.”
It’s as if little Adam is healing Big Adam now, this is called integration. As you heal your inner child you actually unlock some of the playfulness, intellect, and creativity that was locked away with the trauma. That’s what happened with Adam, as he integrated with his little self he became more capable, more flexible, more creative, and more happy.
To this point big Adam says, “I spent 30 years trying to get away from the me that was you. I hate to say it - you were the best part all along.”
Another aspect of this journey is finding peace with your parents and being able to acknowledge all the good they did for you. Now that you are filling your own need to be seen, heard, and validated you can stop focusing on the wound and look at the gifts. You see that parents are just imperfect humans that usually have the best intentions and do what they do with love (with their own unhealed inner children running the show).
It’s a huge sigh of relief once this resolution comes and that’s exactly what happens in Adam’s case.
THE ENDING
Adult Adam literally went back in time and re-wrote the story of his dad’s death and his unavailability prior to death. This brought us to the end when big Adam, little Adam, and dad were all saying goodbyes.
Dad said “I love you” about seven times back to back. Though he is saying it to big Adam and the adult him motions that “he gets it,” the repetition is actually for little Adam because he’s the one that needs to hear it most.
Though in the film, it’s actually dad doing the re-parenting by saying I love you, within inner child work it’s quite common to replace dad with someone else or become the dad you needed in that moment. You replace silence with I love you, you replace dad missing dinner with a meditation of you all having dinner together.
The final reparenting moment was the very last scene when they were all playing catch. Big Adam gives little Adam (himself) what he needed and wanted - time with dad and to know that he mattered. So that big Adam can finally realize that he matters, today.
This movie is so powerful for our times and for what’s possible for all of us when we heal.