Ya’ll it has taken me many years and many heartbreaks to understand two very important lessons about men that no one teaches women. I’m not sure that men are taught this either, but it’s innate to them so they just know (they may not be able to articulate it though).
Men are keenly aware of how they spend their energy, they don’t waste it.
Men don’t care about a woman if she doesn’t inspire them (bear with me here).
Why does this matter? How are these two things linked? What does this have to do with being valued versus desired by the masculine?
To answer that last question especially, we’ve gotta dive into #1 and #2 as they are inextricably linked.
Men are keenly aware of how they spend their energy, they don’t waste it.
Men are impact and results oriented people - this is why they have achieved incredible feats. You look around and most things have been built by men, from the house you are sitting in to the highway you drive on each day.
To achieve this, men tap into their instinct that says, ‘use your energy wisely.’ Men build up and release energy in a liner way which means they hyper-focus on a task fully using up their energy source, then once it’s complete they ‘refill’ by doing absolutely nothing.
***The ability to access a ‘nothingness’ state is a big difference between men and women (more on that another time, these are the types of things I will be teaching in my women’s circle starting later this month! Details Below.)
Ok so a man never does something ‘just because’ or ‘to get it done’ - it’s got to be for a purpose. Since men are so logical in this way, it’s important to note that they will only expend the amount of effort required to achieve a task, no more and no less. No more because that’s a waste of energy (which can be refocused somewhere else) and no less because since they are in process, that means this task matters to them so not completing it is not an option (I love this about men, they really see things through no matter what).
Men do not care about a woman if she doesn’t inspire them.
This might sound harsh but once women can really get this, it’s a game changer in how they both relate to themselves and to men everywhere. What’s really important is that men have the capacity to care about any woman they come across and any woman they come across has the capacity to be cared for or valued.
But most women DO NOT access what’s required for this.
My hypothesis for 2023 is that due to this big void, women over-function in their achievements as well as sexually while men feel purposeless, non-committal, and generally lost.
This exchange is a core foundation of healthy masculine and feminine energy working together so it would make sense that when we look around, we’re seeing frustrated men and women - but in distinct ways.
Remember that in order for men to feel accomplished, they’ve got to be achieving things that provide something for someone, and in their minds that someone is ideally a woman. But many women are not valuing themselves enough to attract the provision, protection, and presence that are looking for - they push it away instead.
To the women reading, you might be saying what about me? I’m right here! Can’t they see me? I’m the reason to do it, but the truth is many women block clear and committed action from men without realizing it. I was one of these women for many many years and I know how painful it is. Painful when family and friends repeat over and over again, “You are so beautiful and smart and talented and interesting and well-traveled. You are such a catch, what’s going on?”
Well, literally NOT ONE of those things matters to the masculine deep down.
Just last week I asked a man this exact question and his response was,
“well it’s just an energy, it’s like I know it when I see it, but I can’t explain, it’s so uhhhmmm something…you know?”
I laughed and said “finally after all these years, I do know.” And now I want to impart that wisdom over to you. What he’s trying to say is that he’s looking for allure.
Allure
You may be thinking, huh? Allure. Big deal, ok allure. Plenty of women have that and they don’t have men lining up to court them. Well, that’s because most of our society confuses allure with physical beauty. These are not the same. This is also why men have a hard time verbalizing it.
One of my favorite teachers is Gillian Pothier and she said,
“Beauty is a chemical language, not a visual one”
The etymology says that Allure comes from middle the English word ‘Aluren’ as well as the old French word ‘Aleurer.’ These words combine ‘a’ which means ‘to come toward’ and ‘leur’ which means ‘that which is attractive.’ In Latin this is ad + leurre. Allure means being exciting and/or attractive such that there is a pull ‘toward.’
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines beauty as:
“The quality of aggregate qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit.”
This definition is better than others I found, but it’s still not quite right. It reflects pleasure as opposed to what beauty or allure actually does which is inspire action.
Related to that, there’s another quote that I love by Alvar Aalto, Finnish Architect:
“Beauty is the harmony of purpose and form.”
What this means to me is that beauty (allure) is the driver for purpose and form to come together and do its thing. Though he’s talking about design here, it’s the universal law of masculine and feminine balance at play. I’m using beauty and allure interchangeably here, but the idea is if there is no beauty to inspire the masculine, then there is no purpose. When there is no purpose, there is no form, and life is just a big blob of confusion.
If you turn on the news right now, big blob of confusion is what you might see.
So what is allure? It is a frequency that instantly awakens the masculine instinct to provide and protect. It does not require classical beauty at all, but it requires a complete trust of life and what is unfolding here. Since the masculine is primal, while the feminine is divine - to trust life means to trust the masculine. And most women just don’t so they over-function financially, sexually, domestically, intellectually, and the list goes on.
Allure is so compelling to men because it does two things at once;
It invites him in naturally because there is no fear or worry so the feminine exudes her unique radiance (not just her beauty, but the essence of who she is).
It doesn’t need him to feel complete so she isn’t afraid to challenge him, hold boundaries, and even deny him when he’s not living up to his potential.
A coach of mine said once,
“Your job is not to make his life easier, it’s to make it better. When you over-function as a woman you are cock-blocking his heroes journey.”
And man, did I feel that.
I was over-functioning like it was my job and most women I know find themselves in one of two camps of over-functioning.
The Adversary Camp
The Peasant Camp
My use of medieval style terminology is intentional here because it helps really paint the picture in a simplified way that’s removed from the confusion of modern life. The adversary women project the statement, “I don’t trust you so stay away from me.” The peasant women project, “I don’t trust you but please don’t leave me.”
This doesn’t just come to life in dating, but in long standing marriages too. The adversary woman might not trust her husband to come through financially, so she takes on all the burdens of work to the point of burn-out. This says I am your competition. Whereas peasant woman might purposely not go for jobs and opportunities because she thinks it will make her man feel less important. This says I am your doormat. Neither of these says, I am your partner.
This occurs because of childhood or past-generational wounded feminine imprints. A trauma occurred that resulted in the woman’s instinctual evolutionary response to dim her radiance due to fear. This blocking of allure is then passed down through generations until a brave woman says, “No more! I want juicy, luscious, and devoted partnerships with strong masculine men.”
It was 7.5 years ago when I was this woman that ended a relationship where I was the doormat and decided I was going to jump headfirst into healing all the ways that I was blocking my allure. If you are one of these women too, then I’d love to connect with you. I’m opening space to work with women 1:1 on healing and releasing all the ways they block the presence, provision, and protection they crave. This applies to you whether you are single or in a relationship, it’s an inside job regardless of whether there is a man physically in your life or not.
Schedule a time to chat with me here
I’m also excited to announce I’m starting a completely free monthly moon circle for women. It’s going to be live in person in Dallas, but if there is enough interest then I will open it up to zoom and to make it accessible for women to tune in from anywhere. It will be a combination of experiential, educational, and community building. I truly believe that in this modern world, we’ve lost the connection to women’s wisdom that was present for thousands of years. Wisdom about love, sex, relationships, male behavior, our bodies, our intuition, and more. So I am creating the space for that each month during the full moon.
The first one is Thursday evening September 28 @ 7pm CST.
Please write to me anyashakhmeyster@gmail.com if you would like to tune in.
My amazing gentlemen that are here - if there are women in your lives that you think would find my work, coaching, or the upcoming moon circle beneficial please share with her.
PT2 of this essay coming shortly, in the meantime let this one marinate.
Much love,
-Anya Shakh