I can’t speak for “men”, but I personally don’t have a gunny sack of “invisible labor” that I do. I don’t need one, because I spend my day visibly doing that which is mandatory. If I’m keeping score, I’m not doing it based off some vague, unquantifiable “mental load” but off time doing the mandatory (which perfectly hand-decorated cakes aren’t).
That’s why it’s much better, if possible, not to keep score at all.
This is mostly a long way of saying yep, there’s a lot of work involved in bringing up a kid. Obviously I don’t dispute that. I just reject that it is a separate issue from time.
My wife does the majority of these things; she has time to, because she’s an SAHM. There’s no separate “mental load” that makes these things harder or more important than other jobs that take the same amount of time.
If I’m being asked to picture a power couple where both parents work 10 hours a day outside the home, but then the husband comes home and climbs into the hot tub while the wife dinks around answering emails from teachers, well…that’s for them to sort out. I’m not going to believe it when I’ve only heard one side of the story.
Mental load is things like making, keeping track of and attending kids myriad of doctors, dentists and other appointments (apparently many husbands expect the same sort of secretarial labor from their wives for their appointments too, which is.... bizarre). Driving them to said appointments and keeping up with all their extra-curriculars, driving them to and fro. Making sure home is stocked with all necessities for health, safety and food for all family members at all times. Keeping up with parent-teacher meetings and all things school related, which means being attentive to texts and other digital communications to and from school staff. Anticipating and trouble-shooting any glitches that may pop in the usual running of a household and family. Keeping up with birthdays of one's own kids and the birthdays of their friends (which is very important to many children), and just a billion other little things that one's brain has to be attuned to all the time as a parent but which still falls mostly on moms even in 2025.
This isn't even touching on the unpaid caregiving labor that busy moms might also be providing for a sick/eldery parent or parent-in-law.
A once per year hand-decorated cake is not what wives and moms are talking about when they speak of mental load, emotional labor and invisible labor.
And no, women are not "better at multi-tasking" than men are. Sure, humans can do multiple things at once, but we cannot do multiple things WELL at once. The sort of "multi-tasking" that primitive cave-women did back in the day consisted of just 2 or 3 things maximum at a time, such as gathering roots and herbs with a baby strapped to her back. Or building a fire with a baby strapped to her back while also keeping an eye out for predatory animals. That's it. Neither men nor women have evolved to be overbooked and overstimulated like we are now - which leads to complete mental exhaustion and burn-out. Which then leads to depression, anxiety, and an entire myriad of physical health problems.
Mental load is very much a thing for people who live in the real, non-woo woo world. The fact that you think it's not tells us you lead a very customized, curated and comfy life.
Ah yes, that video wherein a Desi-American from India (or his parents from India), where dowry murders are prolific. attempts to convince Americans to adopt the dowry system while naming several European countries that used to do it but conspiculously leaving out his own ancestral land where dowry is still widely practiced.
"Why oh why?" the clueless westerner enamored with "exotic cultures" asks. "Because he doesn't want you to know the truth about dowry today", the exotic other answers.
I can’t speak for “men”, but I personally don’t have a gunny sack of “invisible labor” that I do. I don’t need one, because I spend my day visibly doing that which is mandatory. If I’m keeping score, I’m not doing it based off some vague, unquantifiable “mental load” but off time doing the mandatory (which perfectly hand-decorated cakes aren’t).
That’s why it’s much better, if possible, not to keep score at all.
This is mostly a long way of saying yep, there’s a lot of work involved in bringing up a kid. Obviously I don’t dispute that. I just reject that it is a separate issue from time.
My wife does the majority of these things; she has time to, because she’s an SAHM. There’s no separate “mental load” that makes these things harder or more important than other jobs that take the same amount of time.
If I’m being asked to picture a power couple where both parents work 10 hours a day outside the home, but then the husband comes home and climbs into the hot tub while the wife dinks around answering emails from teachers, well…that’s for them to sort out. I’m not going to believe it when I’ve only heard one side of the story.
Mental load is things like making, keeping track of and attending kids myriad of doctors, dentists and other appointments (apparently many husbands expect the same sort of secretarial labor from their wives for their appointments too, which is.... bizarre). Driving them to said appointments and keeping up with all their extra-curriculars, driving them to and fro. Making sure home is stocked with all necessities for health, safety and food for all family members at all times. Keeping up with parent-teacher meetings and all things school related, which means being attentive to texts and other digital communications to and from school staff. Anticipating and trouble-shooting any glitches that may pop in the usual running of a household and family. Keeping up with birthdays of one's own kids and the birthdays of their friends (which is very important to many children), and just a billion other little things that one's brain has to be attuned to all the time as a parent but which still falls mostly on moms even in 2025.
This isn't even touching on the unpaid caregiving labor that busy moms might also be providing for a sick/eldery parent or parent-in-law.
A once per year hand-decorated cake is not what wives and moms are talking about when they speak of mental load, emotional labor and invisible labor.
And no, women are not "better at multi-tasking" than men are. Sure, humans can do multiple things at once, but we cannot do multiple things WELL at once. The sort of "multi-tasking" that primitive cave-women did back in the day consisted of just 2 or 3 things maximum at a time, such as gathering roots and herbs with a baby strapped to her back. Or building a fire with a baby strapped to her back while also keeping an eye out for predatory animals. That's it. Neither men nor women have evolved to be overbooked and overstimulated like we are now - which leads to complete mental exhaustion and burn-out. Which then leads to depression, anxiety, and an entire myriad of physical health problems.
MENTAL LOAD IS REAL
Mental load is very much a thing for people who live in the real, non-woo woo world. The fact that you think it's not tells us you lead a very customized, curated and comfy life.
You’ve obviously put a lot of effort into this pair of videos. Thank you
Though if I may harken back to the previous videos, I must ask: are you a bride wealth woman or a dowry woman? 😀
Ah yes, that video wherein a Desi-American from India (or his parents from India), where dowry murders are prolific. attempts to convince Americans to adopt the dowry system while naming several European countries that used to do it but conspiculously leaving out his own ancestral land where dowry is still widely practiced.
"Why oh why?" the clueless westerner enamored with "exotic cultures" asks. "Because he doesn't want you to know the truth about dowry today", the exotic other answers.
Join the conversation about it here:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskIndianWomen/comments/1n7pmz5/what_to_make_of_this_desiamerican_influencer_who/