Two words. Roman Empire.
Not really, but this was the best joke to come through this past week when women all over the world were shocked to learn that men actually think about the Roman Empire pretty damn often thanks to a viral tiktok video.
***To close the loop on the ‘nothing’ bit, men actually do mean nothing when they said that. A friend explained it to me with this analogy and I thought it was genius - it’s your phone on airplane mode. It’s on, it’s sitting there - but nothing goes in and nothing goes out. Since men are singular focused people (in contrast to women) when they finish their task or workday, they require airplane mode time: that’s how they refuel. It truly is nothing which is so hard to imagine for women because we never have that, even when we are resting there is always ‘something’ swirling in the brain. This is because people with diffused focus (i.e. women) refuel by neutralizing their energy through nature, water, or meditation but all those things connect us rather than disconnect. The feminine is constantly on a search for more connection whereas the masculine is on a search for more space. In connection to life she finds her mojo, whereas he finds it by taking space from life. Interesting right? I digress.
About a week ago one woman recorded a video of her boyfriend’s response to a seemingly random question: How often do you think about the Roman Empire?
The world exploded, the video went viral, #romanempire now has over 1.5 billion views.
I asked some men in my life the same question and here are some responses:
While many men said daily, most men said weekly (or 2-3 times a week), and the rest said at least monthly. So in other words - All. The. Time.
This trend really made my week because it felt like men all over the world were finally (though accidentally) being asked a question that provided them with an opportunity to feel seen and united.
But it didn’t quite go down like that. One of the biggest takeaways (besides men’s overwhelming appreciation of The Roman Empire) was women’s reactions to the news. Many were fascinated, others rolled their eyes, many thought it was random and silly, some thought it was cute, some thought it didn’t matter, the rest were just plain confused. These reactions highlight this: (Many) Women do not understand what really lies at the heart of the masculine soul.
This is a much bigger deal than just being a silly tiktok trend. It reveals what motivates men, what drives them, and ultimately how they receive love. Not small stuff.
The Roman Empire
In the words of my good friend, Dylan Bain (who is a brilliant history buff, financial coach, men’s group leader, husband, and father of two daughters)
“Men crave respect and there is no respect like respect for the Romans. M************ made the Mediterranean their personal lake.”
That last line though!
Basically the Romans built an empire that lasted 1000 years and it was the most dominant and revered military, political, and economic force in the world during that time. What the Romans created speaks directly to what men want most in life, I boiled it down to these three things, they want to be:
Respected and revered
Triumphant in achievement
Outlived by a legacy
Why? Because in contrast to an alluring woman, a man can only get the things he wants through what he does in the outside world. For many women it takes quite a bit of internal work to release the barriers blocking them from the life they desire, but for men - its different. No matter how much internal work a man does, he won’t be satisfied until he proves himself externally. Until he gets respect, is triumphant, and is well on his way towards creating a legacy, he will feel unsatisfied (and women will feel unsatisfied with him deep down).
Men and Death
On the road towards achieving these things, there is quite a bit of pain, discomfort, and difficulty that is endured. There’s something in men that actually craves that pain and I think it has something to do with the closer connection men feel with death (in contrast to women). This is slightly nuanced, but an important observation I’ve made. In my experience with male friends, lovers, and family members, men generally seem to be more preoccupied with death.
They ponder it, they are worried about it, they feel it looming over them in a way women do not. I think this is because many modern men are dissatisfied because they haven’t found an opportunity to achieve those three things mentioned above (respect, triumph, legacy). When you think about the Romans, the opportunity to experience all three was built directly into daily life.
Take the story of Gaius Mucius Scaevola, a Roman youth who around 508 B.C. volunteered to sneak into an enemy camp to kill their king, was captured but was spared due to his bravery (read the full story). He famously said:
“I am Gaius Mucius, a citizen of Rome. I came here as an enemy to kill my enemy, and I am as ready to die as I am to kill. We Romans act bravely and, when adversity strikes, we suffer bravely.”
To be ready to die is an extremely freeing place to be as a man and is quite healthy when the man in question feels like he matters, like he really contributed, and people took note. He doesn’t have to be the president or a CEO to feel that, he just needs to have mastered a skill and be recognized for what he does on a consistent basis.
The shadow side to this is The Cycle of Nihilism which I wrote about in ‘Men, Video Games, and the TX Shooting.’ This is when a man is not ready to die because he feels he doesn’t matter, that he hasn’t done anything substantial, and that people don’t need him. He then drifts into a state of hopelessness and then those looming thoughts of death take over. This is what has men look to suicide far more quickly than a woman ever would (5X more on average based on the data). The final step of Nihilism is to commit a heinous crime.
Dark Triad
Just under 1% of men and 1% of women (2% total even split) of the general population have the trio of characteristics known as the Dark Triad. This means that these men and women over-index on three things; Psychopathy, Narcissism, and Machiavellianism. We’re focused on men here and by understanding the core needs that men have (from above), the dark triad, and the cycle of nihilism we can see how something like a mass shooting could occur. When a man is part of this less than 1% and he feels disregarded, disrespected, and non-triumphant in his life he can get taken over by the rage and impulsiveness driven by his psychopathy. Then in one last-ditch effort to create a legacy (since he has no respect nor triumph) he commits a horrible crime. He creates his legacy, a terrible one but a legacy nonetheless.
Not pretty, but accurate. You know where else we find dark triad men? In law offices, in politics, and running highly successful businesses. What’s the difference? Usually they had a two-parent household with a present father, were active in their community, and were consistently provided with discipline, structure, and positive reinforcement. Maybe this man becomes a workaholic, doesn’t want to marry, and isn’t the nicest person in the world? I know I’d rather have another overly-demanding boss lacking in empathy out in the world instead of a mass shooter. How about you?
Again we’re talking about a less than 1% here, 99% of men have nothing to do with this story whatsoever, yet the culture makes it seem like ‘all the men’ are doing all the terrible things, but it’s not true.
The point is that when we give young boys the encouragement they need to build respect, they thrive. Then they triumph, and then they mostly create beautiful legacies of honor, commitment, and goodness (and that less than 1% is deterred from the worst of the worst).
We need to honor boys and this whole ‘Future is Female’ thing does not honor boys.
Defining Masculinity
Understanding these core needs of men can help us define masculinity. I know we are all still trying to define both masculinity and femininity and I think that’s ok, let’s keep having the conversation because as we do, we continue to add richness to it.
Recently I found a great reflection from American writer Phil Christman :
“It is surreal to find maleness (described as privilege) because it’s an aspect of my life that I associate mainly with discomfort…when I try to nail down masculinity (in all its pain seeking stoicism) I come back to this: Masculinity is an abstract range to protect.
This is why I have always found it astonishing when people describe men as privileged. This is another example of the “all men” versus ‘less than 1% of men” phenomenon. The culture makes it seem like “all men” are privileged, but it’s only a tiny percentage at the top. Most men go to great lengths and endure a lot of pain to make sure everyone around them is safe and fed. We don’t need to bow at their feet, but we do need to build appreciation back into our culture.
Did you know that while industries like marketing, education, and leisure/entertainment are officially majority female dominated, jobs including concrete workers, electric power line installers, iron workers, roofers, garbage workers, and crane operators are mostly made up of men (Source: Jordan Peterson, personality lecture: episode 6)
Women are not calling for equal distribution in those industries because they are dangerous, uncomfortable, inconvenient, and physically grueling. And who can blame women? There’s no need to pretend that women want to do these jobs, but someone’s got to do them and that someone is men.
***PS this is one of the direct positive correlations of singular focus. As a garbage driver, a man can hyper-focus without noticing the smells. As a crane operator, even one that’s not great with heights can hyper-focus and move past the fear. Evolutionarily this is built into men, that’s why they are so great at making dangerous but necessary things happen (women can’t block things out because of their diffused-focus).
In the end, men need women to appreciate them and women need men to protect them. So there you have it, this essay turned out to be multiple secrets about men:
Roman Empire
Three Masculine Needs
Death
The ‘Nothing’ State
Discomfort & Masculinity
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Glorious Women,
Thank you for reading this far and being open and willing to understand what men go through. I honor you.
And the moon is full - that means Moon Circle tonight at 7:20pm CST on zoom - If you want to be there email me at anyashakhmeyster@gmail.com and I’ll send you the link.
Xx